For our purposes, we will define effective feedback as that which is clearly heard, understood and accepted. Those are the areas that are within your power. You have no control over whether the recipient chooses to act upon your feedback, so let’s put that aside. So how can you make sure that your feedback is effective? Develop your feedback skills by using these few rules, and you’ll find that you’re much more effective.
- Feedback should be about behavior not personality
The first, and probably the most important, rule of feedback is to remember that you are making no comment on what type of person they are, or what they believe or value. You are only commenting on how they behaved. Do not be tempted to discuss aspects of personality, intelligence, or anything else; only behavior.
- Feedback should describe the effect of the person’s behavior on you
After all, you do not know the effect on anyone or anything else. You only know how it made you feel or what you thought. Presenting feedback as your opinion makes it much easier for the recipient to hear and accept it, even if you are giving negative feedback. After all, they have no control over how you felt, any more than you have control over their intention. This is a blame-free approach, which is therefore much more acceptable.
Choose your feedback language carefully
Useful phrases for giving feedback include:
When you did (x), I felt (y).
I noticed that when you said (x), it made me feel (y).
I really liked the way that you did (x) and particularly (y) about it.
It made me feel really (x) to hear you say (y) in that way.
- Feedback should be specific as possible
Especially when things are not going well, we all know it’s tempting to start from the point of view of ‘everything you do is rubbish’, but don’t. Think about specific occasions and specific behavior, and point to exactly what the person did/say and exactly how it made you feel. The more specific the better, as it is much easier to hear about a specific occasion than about ‘all the time’!
- Feedback should be timely
It’s not good to tell someone about something that offended or pleased you six months later. Feedback needs to be timely, which means while everyone can still remember what happened. If you have feedback to give, then just get on and give it. That doesn’t mean without thought. You still have to be thoughtful in your speech and delivery, but just do it in a timely manner.
- Pick your moment
There are times when people are feeling open to feedback and times when they are not. For example, an angry person will be more reluctant to hear or accept feedback, even if given skillfully. Wait until they have calmed down a bit. Pick a suitable moment.
Remember that feedback doesn’t just happen in formal feedback meetings. Every interaction is an opportunity for feedback, in both directions. Some of the most important feedback can happen casually in a quick interchange. Each moment of feedback is an opportunity to either assert your needs and true voice and/or an opportunity to validate and strengthen the relationship.