Listening is an extremely valuable interpersonal skill. Feeling heard cannot only be validating but it can often be the key to a lasting friendship or happy marriage.
Do people often accuse you of being a poor listener? Or do you pride yourself on your good listening yet others maintain often feeling unheard? Regardless of your current ability to listen, there are certain techniques that expert psychology researcher John Stewart advises in becoming a genuinely good listener.
The first step to becoming a better listener is being aware of your assumptions. When listening to someone we often attempt to mind-read, making assumptions on what that person is thinking and is going to say. Subsequently we tend to only hear and accept information that corroborates those preconceived notions. Making these assumptions is a common, almost hard-wired, human response. Thus, the point is not to rid yourself of all assumptions, but rather to check your assumptions. You can check your assumptions by asking the speaker “so what your saying is …” or “if I heard you correctly, you mean …” and then let the speaker confirm or correct.
The second step is to become genuinely curious. Cultivating a sense of genuine interest in what is being said creates an environment where the person not only feels heard but also where you are able to accurately hear them. A good way to achieve this is by asking open-ended questions such as “tell me more about …” or “explain how that felt”. Open-ended questions not only encourage deeper exploration in regard to the speaker, but they also imply that you are an active and interested listener.
The third step is to suspend judgment. When we are listening and hear something we disagree with we often begin to judge and even shut down. This in turn prevents active listening and causes us to miss important messages. The solution to this is allowing the person to speak their entire message without any interruptions. In doing this, you’ll often find that despite some disagreement there is some shared ground to be found.
The fourth and final step is to know your limitations. Becoming a better listener requires genuine curiosity and humility. We are often over tired, rushed, or too stressed to do what it takes to be an active listener. In such instances, there is nothing wrong with saying, “I know this is important and I want to give you my full attention, but unfortunately I am unable to do that right now, so can we talk a bit later?”