We often think that being competitive and relentlessly pushing ourselves is a requirement for success. However, researchers are starting to prove these theories wrong. A self-critical and competitive attitude is actually now being shown to stand in the way of achieving our goals. Studies have shown that self-criticism makes us weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to draw lessons from our failures. Self-criticism has also been linked to depression and decreased motivation. Then what is the antidote or replacement for self-criticism? The answer is self-compassion.
Currently, clinical scientists and psychologists are systematically exploring and studying self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering self-compassion researcher, author and teacher, identified three core components of self-compassion—self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness entails being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up with self-criticism. Common humanity involves acknowledging the reality that everyone suffers and by definition we are all imperfect and vulnerable. Thus, seeing failure, frustration, inadequacy, and fear as a shared human experience, rather than being something that happens to “me” alone. Lastly, mindfulness involves a willingness to observe our negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences with openness and clarity, holding them in mindful awareness without trying to suppress or deny them. Mindfulness also requires a distancing so that we do not become over-identified with thoughts and feelings and swept away by negative reactivity.
Research has linked increased self-compassion to less depression, more optimism, greater happiness, and more life-satisfaction. A lot of research is also coming out around health behaviors, showing that people who practice self-compassion make really wise health choices. They exercise more for the intrinsic reasons, they stick to their diets, and take better care of themselves. The practice of self-compassion has also been shown to increase caring behaviors and more supportive relationships. There is currently much research, training, and exercises available for those who want to learn more about self-compassion.
Advocates of self-compassion make clear the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. Both involve positive emotions toward the self, but self-esteem is about judging yourself positively, whereas self-compassion is about relating to ourselves kindly. Since self-esteem is about being special and above average, it often involves subtly positioning ourselves above other people so that we can maintain our self-esteem. On the other hand, self-compassion does not involve judgment or evaluation. It’s not about, “What type of person am I?” It’s more about: “I’m suffering—can I respond to my suffering with kindness, understanding, care, and concern?”